Chapter 27, paragraph 7

In the middle of last week an acquaintance from high school passed due to an infection in his arm that spread to his heart through his blood. We were not close in high school or any time after but we had many of the same friends. Though we were not close his death has seemed to affect me in a profound way. Prior to the news of Richie’s passing every day I felt older, as though my time on this earth was quickly running out. Every evening that passed and Kevin still hadn’t found a new job and Honda still had not offered me a permanent position seemed to be delaying my life substantially, for years at a time. The death of Richie has quite suddenly made me feel very, very young. Far too young to die or know people my age that have left this world. Too young to be in this much debt, not quite old enough to have lost touch with so many good friends and definitely not at an age where it is acceptable to wander if those I have lost touch with still live.

Richie’s death was senseless and preventable, I have yet to determine if this makes his death more or less tolerable than if it had truly been unavoidable. I did not attend the viewing or the funeral (held today) and though I came up with plenty of excuses as to why I did not go the truth is that I am a coward. I did not want to face death up close again, especially not with someone born the same year as myself only 4 days before me. I did not want to see the pain in Morgan and Jodie’s tears, I did not want to meet his family, I did not want to feel the surreal detachment that funerals always seem to give and I did not want to experience this grim gathering of classmates the summer before our 10 year high school reunion. I did not want to imagine myself in Morgan’s shoes; I could not bring myself to be that close to death and think of what it would be like had it been Arthur, Christopher, Eric, Courtney or Steinberg lying in a coffin surrounded by grieving barely adults in their late 20s. I was afraid. I am fearful.

I am fearful now that I will not be able to reconnect with Courtney and if one of us should ever pass it would be days if not weeks before the other one might know of it. I am fearful of the possibility of Eric passing and the fact that it is very likely I would have not seen him in over a year. I am terrified that Arthur might some day not be a part of my life, that Steinberg would not be there to torment and watch TV with, that Christopher might know a heaven before I am able to convince myself that one exists…
And now I am afraid of the new friendships and those I have been able to reconnect with. I am nervous about loosing those I have recently built relationships with and those I have reconnected with after years of silence. I can not imagine a world with out them; I can not fathom my life in their absence.

I have lost uncles, and aunts, grandparents and possibly a few cousins. I was shocked and horrified at the death of Uncle Royce and devastated when we lost Uncle Travis. I grieved for both aunt Linda’s passing as well as my poor Uncle Troy for the loss of his beloved wife. I imagined the pain my father must have felt when his sister died and I came to realize that as I get older so do my parents and their siblings; I came to understand that this was a loss I would need to grow accustomed to. I have known others who have departed but I have yet to experience the death of someone truly close, I have never seen the end of life for one of my friends.

Suddenly I began to regret having so many friends whose loss I would undoubtedly feel so intensely if they were to die before me. My sister Sherry and I used to talk about how our family will always be our family whether we liked it or not and we love them unconditionally regardless but our friends are our chosen family, we love them in a similar yet much more decisive way. It is difficult for me to imagine life with out my family but being the baby of said family and not by just a few years I seem to have always understood that someday I would have to do just that. I am not saying that loosing my parents or my sisters will be easy, it certainly will not be. I will be a complete mess and I know that to loose any one of them will be extremely difficult but for what ever reason it has always been in the back of my mind that the loss of my family will one day come.

My friends though I have always assumed to be immortal.


So to both of my sisters, Kevin, Arthur, Eric, Courtney, Christopher, Steinberg, Eugene, Cheyenne, Tatum, Ashley S., Ashley H. and all the rest I beg of you: please, please, please take care of yourselves, be careful and go see a doctor if anything hurts. I fear that I could not live if any of you were gone.