Chapter 29, paragraph 9

I re-found my blog today shortly after I found a message on my facebook from a man I thought I would certainly never hear from again. His message was to tell me how beautiful I looked in my wedding photos. Odd that, there was a considerable amount of time in my life that I assumed if I were ever to marry it would have been to that man. I will admit his message was a sort of shock, something between disgust and nostalgia which caused me to look up things like my old deviantArt account and this blog. I had honestly forgotten about the blog, which is a shame – the last two years of my life have been rather eventful and a digital journal of it would have been nice. I do still keep a paper and pen journal though so it is not as though all has been lost but I think I might give this a whirl again. I feel that before I can get going on this however a rundown of the past 13 months is in order. 2011 We were very poor and skipped snowboarding. Honda did finally offer me a permanent position, it was a terrible position and I took the spot under the assumption that I would be able to move departments in 6 months only to find out that was not true – I was advised that I would have to either quit or get fired in order to move. I quit. Kevin was offered a job at the NAS JRB in Fort Worth, he took it and we moved to Fort Worth TX. I found a job with a company called SHC, it didn’t pay me quit as much as Honda but it was 15 rather than 60 min. from our new place in down town FtW and a position I thought I could live with so I took it. On September 25th Kevin proposed, I said yes. The holidays happened, family was seen and loved on, I wrote a sappy journal entry about the years gone by on New Year’s Day. 2012 We spent way too much money on our snowboarding trip to stay in an amazing ski in ski out house rather than a condo – completely worth it but will most likely not do that again. Way too much money. Wedding planning was in full force in the beginning months of the year – we made our own bouquet’s, I hunted down and purchased a turquoise petticoat to wear under my tea length dress, lots of photos were taken, I drove my mother insane, we put together our own center pieces, I designed and printed all of my own invites and RSVP’s, we invited way to many people and freaked out about the budget a lot. I was promoted at SHC – I thoroughly enjoy my job and am very glad that I left HFS. Kevin decided we needed to buy a house, I disagreed at first but he talked me into it so we started house hunting. I found out we couldn’t afford the historical home in the inner city that I would have loved so Kevin drove me 15 min out of the city…15 min out is pretty far, I settled though; it was important to him. We couldn’t find a house we liked in our price range but found out we could build with our budget, just not custom. So we went with KB and built a cookie cutter house in the sububurbs of FtW; not exactly where I ever saw my life going. We got married on May 26th – it was a blast and the colors were crazy awesome. We closed and got the Keys to our house in the burbs on May 29th. We did not take a honey moon. In July I had my wisdom teeth removed – got an infection from the surgery and had to have another surgery to clear the infection. Which brings us to September 2012.

Chapter 27, paragraph 7

In the middle of last week an acquaintance from high school passed due to an infection in his arm that spread to his heart through his blood. We were not close in high school or any time after but we had many of the same friends. Though we were not close his death has seemed to affect me in a profound way. Prior to the news of Richie’s passing every day I felt older, as though my time on this earth was quickly running out. Every evening that passed and Kevin still hadn’t found a new job and Honda still had not offered me a permanent position seemed to be delaying my life substantially, for years at a time. The death of Richie has quite suddenly made me feel very, very young. Far too young to die or know people my age that have left this world. Too young to be in this much debt, not quite old enough to have lost touch with so many good friends and definitely not at an age where it is acceptable to wander if those I have lost touch with still live.

Richie’s death was senseless and preventable, I have yet to determine if this makes his death more or less tolerable than if it had truly been unavoidable. I did not attend the viewing or the funeral (held today) and though I came up with plenty of excuses as to why I did not go the truth is that I am a coward. I did not want to face death up close again, especially not with someone born the same year as myself only 4 days before me. I did not want to see the pain in Morgan and Jodie’s tears, I did not want to meet his family, I did not want to feel the surreal detachment that funerals always seem to give and I did not want to experience this grim gathering of classmates the summer before our 10 year high school reunion. I did not want to imagine myself in Morgan’s shoes; I could not bring myself to be that close to death and think of what it would be like had it been Arthur, Christopher, Eric, Courtney or Steinberg lying in a coffin surrounded by grieving barely adults in their late 20s. I was afraid. I am fearful.

I am fearful now that I will not be able to reconnect with Courtney and if one of us should ever pass it would be days if not weeks before the other one might know of it. I am fearful of the possibility of Eric passing and the fact that it is very likely I would have not seen him in over a year. I am terrified that Arthur might some day not be a part of my life, that Steinberg would not be there to torment and watch TV with, that Christopher might know a heaven before I am able to convince myself that one exists…
And now I am afraid of the new friendships and those I have been able to reconnect with. I am nervous about loosing those I have recently built relationships with and those I have reconnected with after years of silence. I can not imagine a world with out them; I can not fathom my life in their absence.

I have lost uncles, and aunts, grandparents and possibly a few cousins. I was shocked and horrified at the death of Uncle Royce and devastated when we lost Uncle Travis. I grieved for both aunt Linda’s passing as well as my poor Uncle Troy for the loss of his beloved wife. I imagined the pain my father must have felt when his sister died and I came to realize that as I get older so do my parents and their siblings; I came to understand that this was a loss I would need to grow accustomed to. I have known others who have departed but I have yet to experience the death of someone truly close, I have never seen the end of life for one of my friends.

Suddenly I began to regret having so many friends whose loss I would undoubtedly feel so intensely if they were to die before me. My sister Sherry and I used to talk about how our family will always be our family whether we liked it or not and we love them unconditionally regardless but our friends are our chosen family, we love them in a similar yet much more decisive way. It is difficult for me to imagine life with out my family but being the baby of said family and not by just a few years I seem to have always understood that someday I would have to do just that. I am not saying that loosing my parents or my sisters will be easy, it certainly will not be. I will be a complete mess and I know that to loose any one of them will be extremely difficult but for what ever reason it has always been in the back of my mind that the loss of my family will one day come.

My friends though I have always assumed to be immortal.


So to both of my sisters, Kevin, Arthur, Eric, Courtney, Christopher, Steinberg, Eugene, Cheyenne, Tatum, Ashley S., Ashley H. and all the rest I beg of you: please, please, please take care of yourselves, be careful and go see a doctor if anything hurts. I fear that I could not live if any of you were gone.

Chapter 27, Paraghraph 3

I feel that I may need to make a few things clear about how I feel in regards to the health care overhaul.

First I do not think this is a good bill, though I do believe that we need a healthcare overhaul.

I believe in a public option, as in I believe in a government run health care program that the public would have the option to buy into. I believe that we should all have the choice to have health care even if our place of employment does not provide insurance and I believe that pre existing conditions should not determine if you are eligible for that insurance. I believe that being able to see a doctor when you are sick is a right we should have and not something we should have to file bankruptcy because of. I believe that if my father were to loose his job and thus his insurance that my parents should not have to sell their house and move in with one of their children in order to pay for his diabetes medication.
I do not believe that we should be required to purchase health care. I believe that if you choose to live with the risk of not having health care then by all means pay in full for your doctor visits if you would like. However I think that if you want it even if you only make minimum wage and have diabetes or SB, or cancer then you should still be able to get coverage even if that minimum wage job does not provide it. I do not think that a patient should have to worry about whether or not they can afford the medication or treatment they need to live.

I do not believe the bill that passed last night provides the above.

I do not think that you should be penalized if you do not have health care. However, I do not think screaming “socialism” is a valid argument against it. Medicare is already in place and is a “socialistic” ideal, come to think of it so are public schools, fire departments, the military – all government provided or regulated institutions in place for the greater good (aka general public). And if you want to scream about how it is “unconstitutional” I could make a list for that as well, starting with the patriot act. I do not believe that having a public option or even a public health care system will magically turn America from a democracy to a socialistic nation which would lead to communism and then totalitarianism – which is what screaming socialism implies. I do not think that passing a health care bill is the first step in creating a Stalinist America. We have elections, primaries, term limits and the like which can change everything in just four short years. Things like this healthcare overhaul can be appealed and overturned, or simply overhauled again.
When the leadership changes there is the possibility that so to will the policies. It is one of the things that makes America a pretty cool place to be.

And if you really want to scream and yell about something that is completely against everything that America has stood for prior to this past year then I believe that you should be upset about how presidential campaigns are now legally allowed to be completely funded by corporations with no cap on corporate “donations”. THAT is a serious problem. Apparently it is now completely ok and legal for our candidates to be purchased.

I do not intend to start any arguments, though I am aware of the friends I have and all of our varying political views and beliefs and I am aware there is no way to avoid the arguments. I suppose though a discussion would be healthy but from prior experiences I am also aware that a discussion is something that most likely will not happen. Someone will always call names and resort to personal insults simply because they do not believe the same things the other person does. Which is pathetic and I personally believe that we are too old to resort to that kind of “argument” but I am proven wrong and that our age has nothing to do with maturity quite often.

With that in mind, I would like to hear what you actually think. Not what some political talking head told you to think and not that you think that I am a stupid, socialistic, liberal ass hole. First of all I am not stupid, and you know that. Secondly I am not a “liberal ass hole” for the most part I am not even all that liberal, just apparently liberal enough on the things that make people scream and yell. And last but not least I am not a socialist, and neither is America or our sitting president. Most of you are only saying that because the media says it. Use your brain and come up with a valid reason you do not like the idea of my father being able to get insurance if he were to loose the coverage he has. Tell me something that makes sense as to why my parents should have to file for bankruptcy because my father can not live with out his insulin if the bank he works for were to go under or start laying people off. Convince me that it is ok that I can’t afford to go see the girly doctor even though my health and the possibility of my bearing children in the future could depend on it, and do this with out attempting to compare me to The Bolsheviks.

Also, understand that I do not agree with the health care bill that passed yesterday, so please do not argue that I do. I have read much of it, I understand most of it and I do not think it is the bill that it should have been.

Chapter 27, paragraph 2

Christopher found my blog.

I feel that it is important to note that Christopher may have actually read the previous entries though I have no idea why that should be notable. I have not managed to keep up with blogging as I had intended and I haven't really written any blogs worth reading. Non the less, he may have read it. All ten boring, trivial, poorly written entries barley spell checked and certainly not edited for proper grammar.

Well hell.

Chapter 27, paragraph 1

Good bye 2009
This past year has been interesting to say the least. Courtney and Jay Day got married, Billy and Michelle and Ashley and K-ris got engaged, Kevin and I moved in together and I financed a car for the first time in my life. We went toobing in the summer, I visited Mississippi to meet Kevin’s extended family, we took a mini vacation to Austin and Johnson City to see a dead president and we booked it to New Orleans to hang out with Fredo the day after Christmas. I found a job with Honda Finance and now work on the weekends as well at a local aquarium shop and Kevin has found many jobs after being without work for a few months and now has one permanent position at a baby store.We picked out bedding together and he hung all the shelves in our apartment, I do his laundry and he cooks me dinner… I have become more domestic than I ever imagined possible.

It is strange, attempting to sum up the last year of my life because now I feel that I have this need to include an entire other life as well. I suppose the best summery that I can honestly give for the last year is that in 2009 “I” finally and whole heartedly became a “we”.The dog is no longer my dog, he is our dog, I can’t plan a trip without confirming his work schedule as well, we celebrated double the holidays to make sure we could see all of both of our families. He brings me lunch to work and I drove all the way out to Plano when he forgot his phone to find out what he wanted to get his brother for Christmas. I went shopping for his family’s Christmas presents. We took a trip with my sister and her husband; we invited both of our mother’s to our New Years Eve celebration. My niece and nephews ask where he is if he can’t make it to Sunday dinner… he went to our family reunion.

In the year 2009 while I was 26 and the first year after moving back to Texas I discovered what Love is. What it really is, love beyond the passion and the fantasy, love that is comfortable and exciting, love that grows rather than dims, love that encompasses every part of my day, every particle of myself, every aspect of my life. I found the kind of love that you don’t want to get away from even for a second, the kind of love that is not exhausting or dramatic, the kind of love I can’t imagine living without. I found the kind of love I did not realize existed before this year.

In 2009 I found Kevin and he taught me love.

Paragraph Nine

I am once again going to attempt the NANOWRIMO challange and force myselft to at least get further than the 50 words I managed to squeez out of my self last year. So far I am already to a better start, I have 600 words and it is only the 3rd of the month. Granted what I have written so far is more of a journal entry than the begining of a story but I figure if I can even get my self to write 50,000 words of streaming concousness in one month that would be better than the pathetic 50 words of nothing I wrote last year. I didn't actually sign up this year at the nanowrimo website, I am doing this on my own this time. Of course no one will ever get to read what I write this November and it will most likley be a heaping pile of nothing but non the less I will have written 50,000 words in one month and that I believe is more than I have written in the last two years.

So wish me luck internet.

Paragraph Eight

I think I should cut my hair, dye it black and then buy a bus ticket to middle-of-no-where-America and get a job as a farm hand or a factory worker. I should rent a room in someone’s basement and start reading obscure novels about pioneers. Maybe I could learn to compost and eat nothing but organic and whole wheat, drink only water and locally brewed beer, maybe some California wine as well. I would have no stove, just a hotplate and I would stop watching television of course, I would wear long skirts made of hemp and cotton and burn all of my bras. I would write a paper on how bras are a constriction of my freedom and man’s modern way to suppress women. I could start buying only American made products and learn to shoot a gun, drive a pick up, no a scooter that runs on vegetable oil and scorn everyone I find for their carbon foot print. I would meet a woman and be confused about my feelings for her and then move on once she got to know me too well. Find some other basement apartment or one in an attack and change my name to something like Lauraleen. I would write home of course, but never call.